An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."