An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.