An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.