I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.