I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.