I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."