I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"