I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"