This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!