This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."