This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"