It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.