I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."