I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"