I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"