America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!