America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."