Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.