Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."