Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.