Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.