Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.