Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."