Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.