A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.