A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"