A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"