A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.