Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."