Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.