There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."