A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.