A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.