A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.