A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.