A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.