A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"