The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?