The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.