The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.