The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.