The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.