I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.