I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!