I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.