The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.
Frankie BoyleOn the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
Frankie BoyleI like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
Frankie BoyleI would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.
Frankie BoyleI always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
Frankie BoyleThe thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
Frankie BoyleRyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
Frankie BoyleThe government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
Frankie BoyleThat should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
Frankie BoyleThe English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
Frankie BoyleFor 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.
Frankie BoyleIt seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.
Frankie BoyleMy dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.
Frankie BoyleApparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.
Frankie BoyleNobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
Frankie BoyleI did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
Frankie BoyleI watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?
Frankie BoyleJordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!
Frankie BoyleDoes anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
Frankie BoyleVictoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.
Frankie BoyleI guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
Frankie BoyleBarack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
Frankie BoyleWhen I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.
Frankie BoyleIf Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
Frankie BoyleI can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
Frankie BoyleWhy is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
Frankie BoyleTwo negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.
Frankie BoyleThe owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
Frankie BoyleIt's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
Frankie BoyleBisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.
Frankie BoylePolitical correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.
Frankie BoyleScientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
Frankie BoyleLet me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
Frankie BoyleI feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.
Frankie BoyleRecent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
Frankie BoyleThey've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!
Frankie BoyleThey're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
Frankie Boyle