Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.