Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.