When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.