On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.