On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!