On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations.