On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?