Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.