A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.