My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.