My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.