Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.