Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.