Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?