Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.