Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.