Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!