I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.