Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.