We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.