I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?