I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.