I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.