The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.