The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.