Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.