Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.