Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.