Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.