Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.