Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?