Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.