Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.