When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.