I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.