The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?