The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.