The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.