The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.