Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.