Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.