Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.