The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.