The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.