Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.