Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.