Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.