Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.