Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?