The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.