I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.