I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?