The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.