The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!