Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.